Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
