found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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