I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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