I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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