my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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