what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
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