I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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