I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
