Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
