Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
