I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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