Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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