Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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