I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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