"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
