what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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