Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
