but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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