I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
