I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
