A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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