My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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