Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
