how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
