i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
