If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
