Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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