i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
