I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
