my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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