The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
