i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
