mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
