guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
