You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
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There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
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The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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