he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
