alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
