Me too!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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