the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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