we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Pooping to opera.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
