Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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