the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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