You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
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His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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