Can Purell be used as lube?
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
