i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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