I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
