I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
