So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
