you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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