Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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