Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Less talking, more tequila
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
