i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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