I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
