At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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