Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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