Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
