I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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