Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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