Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
