please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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