Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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